The First Story...

Okay, so after a slightly noticeable drop in how often I wrote, I promised to start saying about my deeper stories. Now, I can think of this one, and one that spans over a year of my life. So I shall start with the less depressing one!

I haven't explained this yet but my dad's girlfriend has two children (both girls) and I have a sister. All of them do dancing and a few weeks back, there was a big show which kind of brought together a load of performances. Now, dancing is something I would have loved to do but having a homophobic dad, apparently dancing is a "girls hobby". Anyway, this dance show came along and I found out it was 3 hours long so I prepared with food and headphones. We got there, it started at seven and the first half, if I must admit was quite boring. It was the younger half of the dancing classes (they have classes from 3 years to like 18 I think) and they weren't particularly great for timing. 

There was a half an hour break, and then it was time for part two; the older groups. The entire blogs existence is based off of how I'm Transgender, how I missed out on the childhood I wanted because of a single chromosome. Imagine how it felt to watch a group of people do something you couldn't because of something out of your control. Let me tell you, it's horrible. A group performed Let It Go and they had these costumes that were beyond beautiful. Their dancing was perfect, the song was brilliant but I think that's been established. And that was rock bottom for me. I stuck my hood up and put my headphones in. I couldn't watch anything after that performance because of how I felt. That could of been me performing it, but because of my gender I never got the chance. I got home that night, said I was going to bed and just cried for an hour because I honestly just wanted to die and start life over, hoping I was a girl from the start. I don't know how much of my audience is actually Transgender but if you're not, that feeling eats away at you. When you walk around a shopping centre and see a really pretty dress in the window and you think "Oh my god I need that dress! Oh wait... I can't wear it because I'm not a girl." That's the thing that I don't know though. When I do get a sex change, am I going to wake up and think "I'm Emma, I'm in university, I'm a girl" or "I'm Theo (not my actual name), I'm in university, I'm Transgender". I don't know what it's going to be like everyday after the surgery. The future can't be predicted perfectly - we don't know what'll happen until it happens.

After that story, I do think about things like that a lot more now. How different my life would of been if I'd of been born the way I wanted. There's no resetting the clock on my life now - I've just got to do the best I can to be who I want to be. To quote Mia in If I Stay, and Johanna in How To Build A Girl "Fake it til you make it". I'm not Emma yet, but I'm faking who I am. One day, I'll make it who I am.

Love you all,
Ems!